:: June 4, 2005
ATARI GAMES I WOULD LIKE TO INVENT, WERE I SMART ENOUGH TO BUILD A TIME MACHINE TO GO BACK TO 1982, MUCH LESS ACTUALLY PROGRAM ATARI GAMES, BUT WHATEVER.
by J.R. Cope.
1. Dot Eater.
2. Dot Eater II.
3. Stick Figure Relay.
4. Intriguing Rectangle Placement Race.
5. Alien Force Extravaganza.
6. Buried Alive In Mexico.
7. Buried Alive In Mexico II.
8. Buried Alive In Honduras, Reagan's Revenge.
9. Dot Munch.
10. Smokey And The Bandit... In Paris!
11. World Death Lord.
12. Several Dots In Box Knockout Power Play.
13. Several Dots In Box Knockout Power Play, II, (with paddle option).
14. Meatballs!
15. Old West Stick Figure Shootout.
16. Stick Figure Wrestling.
17. Long Line Races Shorter Line To End Of Screen (Also Known As: Crazy Line Race). ::
:: January 2, 2005
OBSERVED BIRD POOP PATERNS ON MY CAR AND PATIO WHICH I HAVE PAINSTAKINGLY DOCUMENTED AND PHOTOGRAPHED IN THE HOPE THAT I MIGHT DISCOVER SOME INVISIBLE INTELLIGENCE BEHIND IT ALL.
By J.R. Cope
1. "The Starfish"
2. "The Chicken Foot"
3. "The Blood Trail"
4. "Perfect Storm"
5. "The Beauty Mark"
6. "White And Black Attack"
7. "The Amazing Antenna Climber"
8. "The Fastball" or "Incoming!"
9. "Spilled Milk" or "Alpine Avalanche"
10. "Sticks and Stones"
11. "Little Green Men" or "Roswell"
12. "Purple Rain"
13. "The Stalagmite"
14. "Chinese Calligraphy"
15. "The Chilly Nipple" ::
:: November 29, 2004
Yet Another Magical Moment From the Masonic Retirement Home Where My Grandparents Are Spending Their Golden Years Doing Masony Things and Eating Delicious, Wholesome Cafeteria Food.
By J.R. Cope.
As I visited my with my grandfather, another man nearby, whom I did not know, turned in his wheelchair and feebly grabbed my arm. He had white, crazy hair, tufts of it came out of nose too, which was plugged with an oxygen tube. His eyes grew large and mysterious and he said, "I've been all over, The South Pole, The North Pole, Africa, South America. You name it. But this place is the best."
I leaned in. "What do you mean? This place here?"
"Oh, yes," he said. He grabbed my arm again, which was starting to annoy me, but what do you do? He's older than a pyramid. Let him grab your arm.
"I looked all over for a place to retire, but this was the best."
"Well, it is nice," I said, meaning it.
"What?"
You have to do this a lot when you come here. I leaned in and raised my voice a notch; all of the other retirees stared at me.
"I said, it IS NICE."
It is. They have a great view. The staff is nice. The place is sparkling clean all of the time. Masons, despite whatever evil which they have supposedly collaborated on, or whatever alien ships they secretly hold at undisclosed
locations, know how to run a retirement home. Plus, they help burned kids. Did the Nazis do that? I don't think so.
The old man nodded and said again, in case I didn't hear him the first time, "I've been to the North Pole, AND The South Pole. I've been all over."
He looked like it too. With his hair, I was starting to think he was Jack Frost on his pension.
"Why were you on the Poles?"
"I was an engineer," he said. "On the South Pole, you take a glass of water and throw it out the door. It's ice before it reaches the ground. 47 below."
"Wow."
"Yes. I was on the North Pole, too, but I like the South Pole better."
"Why's that?" I asked. Because, well, aren't you curious?
"The South Pole has better facilities."
"It's more developed?"
"Yes. It is more developed. Better facilities."
"Well, it was nice talking to you," I said.
"Yes. It was nice talking to you. You know, the best thing I have heard in Texas...You know what that is?"
Again, with the arm thing.
"What? What's that?" I asked him.
"If you don't love her, give her the bank account number. If you love her, give it to her backwards."
"Oh, that's funny. That's very...funny."
"Yes. I have been all over. The North Pole. The South Pole. And that's the funniest thing I've heard."
"Sure. Well, see you later."
"Oh, yes, sir. We will do that."
"All right, there." ::
:: November 18, 2004
TWO OF THE MOST FAMOUS EL CHICO REGULARS WHO DO NOT TIP SHIT AND ARE DULY LOATHED.
by J.R. Cope
1. The Milk Lady - Caucasian Female. Approx. 5'4".
Overweight. Glasses. Flat affect in voice. Wal-Mart shopper. Runs you ragged. Always orders Chocolate Milk for self, not her messy, cheese-throwing half-chimp off-spring who usually have Sprite, if it makes it to their mouths before it hits the table. Milk Lady hated venomously by entire waitstaff for her propensity to tip a dollar after endless bitching and her kids destroying table. Sometimes known to ask for the manager at the drop of a spoon. Expert level skills at the 50 cent "Grab a Toy" machine near front entrance. The bitch always gets her toy like Roy. Cold, calculating stare behind thick frames. Always will try to get free milk refill. Do not, repeat, do not, give it to her. Milk is not soda. Repeat: Milk is not a refill item. Milk Lady knows this, but Milk Lady is ruthless. She will attempt to play you. Beware.
2. The King - Caucasian Male. Approx 5'8".
Gold-frame sunglasses. Gold chains. Exposed chest hair. Large rings, including pinkie ring. Wears cape and carries cane. That is not a misprint. Dresses like Mother Fucking Elvis Presley to Eat At El Chico's Mother Fucking Restaurant. Usually brings his "Mama" in tow, along with a late-teens silent dweeb, possibly his son or little brother. Will comment on your service all night, along with his "Mama" chiming in in her trashy North Texas accent, about what you did wrong, what you did right. The King is known to say things such as "Jes Sloooow it down, Brother," in authentic Elvis-speak. Wish this were just joke for list, but this is real. I repeat, THIS GUY ACTUALLY EXISTS IN 3-D FLESH AND BONE. HE DRESSES LIKE ELVIS, BUT IS NO WHERE NEAR AS LIKABLE; IT IS ALSO WIDELY DOUBTED THAT HE ACTS, SINGS OR WOOS WOMEN. Always asks to talk to the manager by name to critique waiter, food, and service. Talks about Vegas and California a lot, using the phrases, "Man" and "Oh, Yeah, Man". When he leaves, he always asks to leave through the back. No kidding. Even if it is locked or barricaded by booster chairs. Hated so much by waitstaff, no one even says that he has left the building, much less announces it. It is not known why this man dresses like Elvis. Possibly, this uncertainty is for the best. Whatever you do, do not refer to the fact that he is dressed like Elvis Presley, the famed singer, in any way shape or form, or he will literally lash out at you, possibly with a flying-death-crane karate chop. ::
:: September 28, 2004
REAL CONVERSATIONS WITH TRUCKERS AT THE DAYS INN IN RED OAK, TEXAS.
By J.R. Cope
A)
Trucker: 'eer store?
Me: What?
Trucker: 'eer store?
Me: You mean, beer store?
Trucker: Whut I said.
Me: It's a dry county. Sorry.
Trucker: What?
Me: No alcohol for miles. Dry county. No beer. Dry county.
Trucker: Yeah, I heard ya.
B) *over phone*
Me: Front desk.
Trucker: I'm in 101. I wanna movie.
Me: Regular feature?
Trucker: No, the dirty.
Me: That's 24.19.
Trucker: Shit. I stay here all the time.
Me: Nothing I can do. Sorry.
Trucker: No, I stay here all the time, man.
Me: All the time?
Trucker: Yeah.
Me: Let's see. Nope. Nothing I can do.
Trucker: Cut me a deal man. Come on. Hook me up.
Me: I can't. It's against policy.
Trucker: Shit, man. I gotta watch a dirty!
C)
Me: Smoking or Non?
Trucker: Non, man. I just got in from Oklahoma. You wouldn't believe what fucking happened.
Me: What?
Trucker: Fucking Indians drugged me, stole my fucking truck and left me in the desert.
Me: There's a desert in Oklahoma? I mean, that sucks. I don't mean to sound insensitive. Are you all right?
Trucker: Fuck no, man. Do I look all right?
Me: ....
Trucker: Well, I'm not. They could have killed me. I'm waiting on a new truck now. I just want a bed and I want to call my wife.
Me: I understand. I have some canned soup back there, if you're hungry.
Trucker: No, the company already fed me. I just want to sleep.
Me: I understand.
Trucker: I ain't trusting nobody ever again. Now I know why so many of those old truckers don't talk to anybody. I understand it now. It's fucked up out there. I ain't talking to nobody ever again. Never. Fuck it. There's some bad people out there. I'm just keeping to myself from now on. Look at these pictures, man. That's my wife and kid. That's the only reason I'm out there, man. They's the only reason I'm living. They were all I could think about all the way back here. They're all I care about in this world. No shit. But I ain't ever talkin' to anybody ever again. I ain't ever trusting anybody out there ever again. It's bad out there, man. Bad. ::
:: December 29, 2003
MILKSHAKE ONE-UPSMANSHIP.
By J.R. Cope.
1. I use sprinkles.
2. I use pre-frozen mugs.
3. I don't use solidifiers. No guar gum. No preservatives. Think about it.
4. Sometimes, I splurge on cherries for special guests.
5. I would go on, but I'd have to charge. ::
:: October 12, 2003
Holy Shit.
By J.R. Cope.
1. Neil Young & Crazy Horse, Greendale. ::
:: October 3, 2003
Ways I Imagine Harry Belafonte Ordering A
Burger Combo Through A Shorted Speaker System.
By J.R. Cope
1. Burger Comb-O.
1. Me Wan A Burger Comb-O.
2. I said, I said de, I said de Burger Comb-O.
3. Come on man, Burger Comb-O.
4. Whoa, oh. I want de Burger Comb-O.
5. COMMMBO. Izde Burger Comb-O-OH.
6. De Combo, De Combo, De Burger Comb-OH.
7. Boo, boo.
8. Crack, crack, crack! De Burger Comb-oooo!
9. Wo, man. De Burgah Comb-O-OH-OH! ::
:: June 29, 2003
THINGS SAID BY VERY OLD MASONS AND MASON WIVES AT THE MASONIC RETIREMENT HOME'S CAFETERIA WHILE VISITING AND LUNCHING WITH MY GRANDPARENTS.
by J.R. Cope.
1. "I'm John Riley! I'm John Riley! What?! I'm John Riley, I said."
2. "Who's the oldest person you think you've seen? See that man over there? Guess how old he is? Hundred and Three. He was a painter. Pretty famous one too, from Arkansas."
3. "I wanted the jello, but they didn't have my flavor. I like the green."
4. "Well, I remember my mother calling me that day, as I was chasing that pig, saying, 'Don't chase that pig! You'll fall and break your neck in the slop!' Goodness, that was so long ago, but I can remember it."
5. "I lived in Nacogdoches once."
6. "Well, there's Miguel. There he is. He's always working. Look at him."
7. "Well, Hello. I've heard a lot about you."
8. "You all right, Bill? You don't feel so good? What's that? You don't feel so good? He doesn't feel so good."
9. "And you're an artist? Oh, an art director? Oh, well, your grandmother told me you're an artist. Oh, well, you're an art director. Oh. Well, what's that? It sounds nice."
10. "Have a splendid day. It was very nice to meet you. Have a splendid day. All righty now. Bye, bye. Bye, bye! All righty now! Have a just a splendid afternoon!" ::
:: April 15, 2003
I FILED MY TAXES ELECTRONICALLY.
by J.R. Cope.
1. I filed my taxes electronically.
2. I filed them well, and electronically.
3. My taxes are right now, as I right I type this list, zipping through cyberspace, on the way to the IRS, all ... electronically.
4. Fortunately, I filed electronically. So, you know. No stamp lickin' like some moron.
5. We need flavored adhesive on our stamps. I propose beginning with the old favorites: Chocolate, Strawberry and Vanilla. How 'bout it U.S. Post Office!
6. I filed electronically. Are you jealous? You shouldn't be. There's nothing to be jealous of, sillyhead. Except my tax return, which will be deposited electronically and probably faster than yours. Just like my tax preparation was. Because I'm better than you.
7. I wonder if Syria filed electronically. Probably not.
8. If we invade Syria because they didn't file on time, or whatever other reason, like being suspected of owning "paraphernalia" like those Hookas or whatever. I wonder what will be next? Maybe after we invade all of the countries of the Middle East because they probably have hookas, we can finally get around to those evil Martian microcrobes. Because they need to to recognize!
9. Filing electronically was a cinch. I don't know what that means, "cinch." But I don't want to know. It's probably something with a sexual connotation, and I'm not comfortable with that.
10. What are you lookin' at Syria! ::
:: March 18, 2003
THINGS I STILL LIKE ABOUT THE WORLD.
By J.R. Cope
1. Edith Piaf.
2. Civility, which I do not possess in great quantities.
3. Women who hum to themselves.
4. Match sticks, and striking them. Not paper matches.
5. My dog, who has more consideration and kindness in him than most humans, myself included. Maybe it is because he is a dog and somehow senses that he is subordinate, but I don't think he is that simple. You can see it in his eyes, believe it or not. He smiles at you. And you know where you can put it if you just made fun of that statement.
6. The back acres and rolling grass behind my house.
7. Gift Certificates to restaurants.
8. Humor with a hint of morality.
9. People who offer help and take only what helping gives them. I can't say I have always done this, but I will try to from now on.
10. The pair bond. ::
:: February 11, 2003
THINGS KOFI ANNAN AND I WOULD BE DOING AS WE HUNG OUT TOGETHER AT THE U.N. BBQ & MEET N' GREET, WERE I INVITED.
by J.R. Cope.
1. Kofi would be teaching me dirty french words, which I would repeat to my date, then Kofi would laugh heartily, his hands on his hips and slap me on the back when she looked confused.
2. Me setting Kofi up so he can slam one down Rumseld's throat at the volleyball game. When Rumsfeld eats sand and loses his glasses trying to return, Kofi and I, of course, high five.
3. Kofi and me ripping it up at the bones table. Forget about it. This Secretary-General knows how to throw'em. And me and him, we're like this...
4. Licking our fingers and sticking it in the potato salad before Hans Blix shows up. Hans is all right, but me and Kofi like to goof on him.
5. Kofi and I after a few beers start up one of those UN golf carts and chase Bush around. After all, what's his secret service going to do? Shoot the UN Secretary-General? Oh, wait. Stop the cart, Koft. Stop the cart.
6. Kofi and me in the photo booth. The usual. Bunny ears. The laughing headlock. And just me and that gorgeous Kofi Smile. Aw...
7. At the end of the day, Kofi and I stretch out a couple of lawn chairs and sit, talking shop. Me, about the difficulties in working with Brazilian Mormons when I'm a Secular Humanist. And, Kofi, about all that UN stuff. After a while, I'm like, O.K. Kofi. Geez. Can it already.
8. Kofi and me get in a fight, because, well, he's drunk, and so am I. We wrestle for a while in the grass. He gets his white pants all grassy. I get my Bermuda shorts a little dirty.
9. After a couple of minutes, I say, Kofi? What are we doing here? He says, I don't know J.R. I don't know... Then we laugh, and hug, and Kofi says, "let us not fight again, my friend." And I say, "No. We musn't, mi viejo amigo. This is madness ... "
10. Kofi and I part, with full bellies, and a renewed commitment to friendship, and peace. But I get pulled over on the way home for DUI. ::
:: January 20, 2003
MY NAME IS J.R. COPE AND I AM THIRTY.
By J.R. Cope
1. I feel all right.
2. I don't know. What do you want from me?
3. Where is my voter registration card?
4. There is a nice store down the block that sells coffee. I think I will go to it soon.
5. Lady, what are you doing? Are we turning, or are we going straight? That's what the indicator's for. Lady, what are you doing here?
6. There is a squash special. How about some butter and olive oil too. Yum.
7. A merlot, please. No, I don't care. They're all good to me. And some more of this smelly bread when you get a second. Thank you. You're very nice.
8. I've had him for two years. He is my best friend. We have our differences. He enjoys licking his you-know-what a lot while I'm trying to read. That's a little annoying, so I give him one of these, "Hey, Bo. Shush it."
9. There are great fears in the world, and I'm no longer a subscriber. I don't care about what it is. Now I'm more interested in the way it is supposed to be, because the way it is kind of sucks. So why not go for the gusto? It's something I've never done before.
10. "Thank you."
"I love you."
"You are wonderful."
"You look great in that coconut bikini."
"I am awed by the very mystery of your existence."
"We are all very lucky to still be here, considering all of the, yes, that's right. All of that stuff we did."
"I am just happy to be here with you. I certainly am. No. I would never kid about that. Not now. Not anymore. It always has meant the world to me. And now I can say it, calmly, without frothing at the mouth, over a nice cup of coffee."
"It is good to be here with you, my excellent and wonderful friends."
"Peace, and I mean that." ::
POSES I WOULD LIKE TO DO IF I WERE A J. CREW CATALOG MODEL (WHICH I WILL BE SOMEDAY. YOU JUST SHUT UP)
By J.R. Cope
1. On couch in khaki wool sweater, laughing and holding my hand to the ridge of my nose, with beautiful woman's head in my lap. She is also laughing. We just can't get enough of each other.
2. Sitting in chair facing camera. Lips parted slightly. Some stubble on my chin. Wearing a lightweight chino shirt, baby blue. I am somewhere between the comprehension of a joke you've told me, and the laugh. I am adorable.
3. Sitting outdoors with a wool coat on, pea color. I'm seated on a rock, with a hint of a tall tree in the background, suggestive of a mountain range. I am looking down at my boots, or so you assume, for you cannot see my feet. But you know by my rugged good looks, I am just taking a quick breather on a refreshing hike through the woods, in my boots, you can be assured.
4. Scooting around the house willy-nilly in my Patchwork PJ pants and Striped Slipper Socks. I am cute as a little boy on Christmas morning, and I look drunk. But I'm probably not. I'm probably on a nice smack binge, because I'm a fucking model. A beautiful girl stares at me in the background, a hand on her hip, and one covering her mouth, concealing her laugh. She has just had it with me! I'm too much!
5. Just my feet and hands touching a nice pair of brown leather shoes. You can't see me. But you know that whoever owns those feet and hands is fucking hotter than you are. That's right. Those hands and feet belong to sweet moi.
6. Behind beautiful young woman who is wearing capri pants and sandals. She is looking over her shoulder, touching her hand to mine. I am smiling at the camera, like this: You wish you had this house, these clothes, her. You wish you were me. The closest you'll get is ordering something and slapping it on your fat ass! Good luck, suckers! ::
:: December 14, 2002
THINGS I WAS THINKING ABOUT WHILE TRENT LOTT WAS APOLOGIZING ON TELEVISION.
by J.R. Cope.
1. My cuticles. Are they healthy? No. Yes.
2. Cottage cheese. I should eat more.
3. What is the meaning of the American-Italian term, "agita." I read it somewhere once. But what is it? It means something, I know. Balls? What?
4. Cyndi Lauper is a hell of a gal. I still think that. Where is she now? What channel is E again?
5. Cooking with wooden spoons can be a bad idea. Remember: bacteria likes organic things.
6. That fly, that god damned fly.
7. The sole of my right shoe is not looking good. Ha! I have a troubled sole! Ha! Troubled sole.
8. ABBA: Did they share conditioner on the road?
9. What if one day, the muscles in your eyelids just gave out like a bad garage door opener? And you were still alive! What then, I ask? Do they have a treatment ready? They should, by God!
10. If I were to spoon a bit of my roomate's peanut butter out right now, he wouldn't notice like he did last time, would he? No. Of course not, silly. Just don't use your finger again. ::
:: November 23, 2002
TITLES OF MY BLUES ALBUMS, WERE I AN OLD BLUES MUSICIAN, WHICH I AM NOT.
by J.R. Cope.
1. On The Prowl For Extra Gravy.
2. One Cold Bone, Two Specks of Pocket Lint.
3. Big Ol' Sister Done Run Up On My Car.
4. Accidently Brushing My Teeth With My Roomate's Hair Gel Blues.
5. Brother, Have You Seen My House Keys?
6. Devil Done Hid My Checkbook.
7. Zip Disk Took The Memphis Line.
8. If You Heard I Ain't Super-Sizin', You Done Heard Right!
9. I'll Be Back To Love On You, Mama, When I Can Afford A Breath Mint.
10. Rousta-Boutin!
11. By The Time You Fat, I'll Be Bald-Headed. Come On Now!
12. Blown Space Heater Fuse In A Cold Bathroom Blues.
13. My Car Might Be Dying For Oil, But This Old Pole Cat Ain't.
14. Malingerin' Down South! ::
:: October 28, 2002
WHAT DRACULA WOULD SAY TO HIS VICTIMS IF HE WERE THE OWNER OF THE BUILDING IN WHICH I WORK WHOSE NAME IS JAY AND WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO BE IRAQI. ALSO: THIS IS NOT MEANT AS A RACIAL SLUR, BUT A CELEBRATION OF DIFFERENCE AND IDIOSYNCRACY WITH THE HOPE THAT PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD WILL SEE HOW FUNNY AND WONDERFUL JAY AS DRACULA IS AND PUT A STOP TO THE POSSIBLE WAR IN IRAQ.
by J.R. Cope
1. I bite you now.
2. You, my friend. I bite you now.
3. My friend, I want to drink your blood.
4. Hello my friend. And I will bite you.
5. Biting is not so bad.
6. It is not my responsibility, the bad plumbing. Now, my friend, I bite you.
7. If you pay rent, I may give you no biting.
8. Muhaha. I bite now.
9. See. Is bite so bad? I'm friend, my friend ...
10. The sun is up. I will sue you.
11. My friend, no toilet is not my responsibility. Now, I am biting. ::
:: August 19, 2002
WEDDING GIFT IDEAS FOR KIM AND BRYAN SO FAR.
by J.R. Cope.
1. Che Guevera Bobblin' Head Dash Mount
2. Half-Naked Asian Masseuse/Manservant/Personal Bodyguard Named Raleigh
3. Dig Dug Sheet and Pillowcase Set
4. Rhesus Monkey Fluent in Sign Language and Basic Math
5. Five Year Supply of Crunch and Munch (and/or) Giant Jar of Dill Pickles from Sam's
6. Chutney!
7. Fake Poo and Vomit Doormat (Poo Spells "Welcome")
8. Toggle Switches
10. Funny "Horror Time" Cutlery Set with Permanent Fake Blood on Blades
9. Bob Marley's Countryman album
::
:: August 12, 2002
IDEAS FOR COMPUTER SIMULATION GAMES.
By J.R. Cope.
1. Bubble Sheet Answer Eraser.
2. Colon Surgery Patient.
3. Sand and Paint The Fence III.
4. Car Keys Detective.
5. Sop-Up-The-Milk-On-The-Floor.
6. 14th Century Anglo-Saxon English Grammarian.
7. Panic Disorder Job Interview.
8. Abortion Clinic Protest.
9. You're On Hold, The Endurance Game.
10. Church!
11. Toast, Light or Brown.
12. Back Acne Buster.
13. Post-NAFTA Autoworker Bar.
14. Mai Lai! ::
:: July 19, 2002
QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK HARRISON FORD AT A MULTI-REPORTER PRESS MEETING.
by J.R. Cope
1. Did the bathroom in the Millenium Falcon have like a "space" theme decor, or was it more like an airplane bathroom? Just kidding. I kidded you on that one.
2. Do you like your hair?
3. Why so frowny, Mr. Ford?
4. If you were an ingredient in a Chef Salad, which ingredient do you think you'd be? Be honest.
5. Do you and, like, Tom Clancy, hang out and watch John Wayne movies and stuff?
6. Everyone knows you don't like to pick favorites, but out of all of the movies you did, which one had the best catering?
7. When that big bearded fat guy in Indiana Jones said to you, "Bad dates" how did you keep from just cracking up?!!
8. I read somewhere once that you were a carpenter before you got all famous. If Jesus would ever hurry up and come back, you two would have a lot to talk about. Ever thought of that? You should, because he's a comin'!
9. I saw American Graffiti when I was very young. I like that song, "Why do fools fall in love?" Sometimes I sing that in my underwear alone in the house. That's not a question, I know.
10. You aren't much of a talker, are you, Harry? Too bad. I bet there's a lot inside there, Harrison. If you'd just let it out! ::
:: June 29, 2002
IDEAS FOR SMALL BUSINESSES I AM THINKING OF OPENING IN NACOGDOCHES, TEXAS.
by J.R. Cope.
1. The Clue Store
2. Ye Olde Buckteeth Repaire Shoppe
3. McBailbonds
4. This Old Doublewide
5. The Books With Lots of Pictures and No Big Words Store
6. Bed, Bath and Louse Removal
7. Touch-free Drive-Thru Mesh Ball Cap Wash
8. Cigarettes, Meat and Beer!
9. Cigarettes, Meat and Beer for Kids!
10. I Can't Believe It's Deermeat!
11. Taco Bell
12. Christian Speed Metal Music Supply, LLC.
13. Tobacco-On-Wheels (non-profit)
14. U.R-an Over It, So Cook It Here
15. Homophobia Emporium!
16. Jesus Bowl ::
:: May 12, 2002
THINGS THAT I'D LIKE TO DO TO MAKE MYSELF A BETTER HUMAN BEING.
by J.R. Cope.
1. Teach aerobics to Seniors on Monday nights.
2. Give myself (and the neighbors) the gift of patio chimes.
3. Chop down a tree and carve a canoe, then just sail down that old river.
4. Tell an old woman that she was probably pretty good-looking sometime long before me.
5. Shave every morning with a straight razor, and tell someone that's what I did.
6. Learn a quote from a famous author every day and use it once during the twenty-four hour period, especially in a public bathroom with another grown man urinating beside me.
7. Make eye contact with contractors at the traffic light. But I won't say that I understand their toil. Instead, I will say it with my eyes.
8. I will go to the Seton hospital's cancer unit and tell someone that I am not afraid to die. So that he or she may see my courage and be stronger in fighting the deadly disease which will eventually end their life.
9. When I am serving crabcakes, I will sieve the lemon juice. It keeps the seeds and the goopy, lemony, wormy things out.
10. If some kid pees in the apartment pool beside me, I will also pee, and tell the child that I have done so - so that she or he will feel less alone.
11. Save all my gum wrappers and make a nice silvery ball for the African-American cop in the golf cart that watches the HEB parking lot all day.
12. Find my doppelganger in the woods and tell him that he doesn't have to run no more. He can change if he wants to.
13. When the pizza guy comes, I will meet him on the stairs - with hot cocoa.
14. Try to see myself as someone who loves people, then when people love me back, I will tell them that, whoa, they better be careful about that. Just so there's no confusion when I start to subvert their self-esteem in public.
15. Learn "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof so that I might serenade the clerks at Compass Bank.
16. Start framing the pictures I have kept over the years of loved ones, and even the pictures of my arch enemies, like that Mofo BeetleJuice.
 ::
:: April 5, 2002
10 REASONS I WANT TO WORK AT THE BLACK EYED PEA.
by J.R. Cope
1. Fat-assed kids are funny.
2. Fried Cheese Sampler
3. The chance to playfully hit the bill of some little porker's ballcap when he orders a second bowl of ice cream and say to his parents, "Quite a little black hole you got here!" is my idea of "opportunity."
4. Required pastel cotton Oxfords will provide lots of Easter wardrobe possibilities.
5. Sugar Snap Peas
6. I like Pea-ple! It's no secret.
7. Mini-Chimis with Chicken
8. I am starving. No, really. I don't have any money.
9. Keeps me from joining The Taliban.
10. Cream Gravy! Cream Gravy! Cream Gravy! ::
:: February 5, 2002
MY TO-DO LIST FOR THE POWER PLANT SECURITY SHACK.
by J.R. Cope.
6:45AM Unlock padlock from gate.
6:46AM Open gate.
6:50AM Enter shack and turn on air conditioner and lights. Watch sunrise.
8:40AM Eat one of the burritos I bought with dimes.
10:20AM Look out window at power plant.
10:20:32AM Clean out nose while still staring at power plant.
10:21AM Utter to self about plant, "Shit, that's a big mess of pipe, ain't it?"
10:23AM Wonder what the Council of Foreign Relations is up to.
10:23:01AM Utter to self, "Probably no good."
10:25AM Wonder if the Council of Foreign Relations ever gets some protester putting human blood in their fancy crystal water pitchers. Laugh really low.
10:25:03AM Wipe contents of nose on company-issue black slacks.
10:25:34AM Study arm hair.
10:56AM Stop studying arm hair.
11:02AM Look out window at plant again.
11:05AM Utter, "That really is something" - about plant.
12:06PM Eat second burrito bought with dimes.
12:09PM Curse about the late paycheck and recent dime-bought burrito lunches.
1:24PM Think about Jimmy Carter. He was a member of The Trilateral Commission.
1:56PM Utter to self, "That bastard."
2:09PM Think about Tina Turner.
2:45PM Cease to think of Tina Turner.
4:12PM Stand up and sit down. Pace in shack.
4:23PM Think about becoming Socialist Democrat.
4:24PM Utter to self while pacing, "The IRS would come after me, but what are they going to take? My dime jar?
4:24:01PM Laugh loudly inside shack to self.
4:24:02PM Stop as soon as car drives by.
4:24:03PM Begin laughing loudly again, saying, "Dime Jar!"
4:24:09PM Think how dime jar is the only way I am eating these days.
4:24:10PM Stop laughing again. Think about IRS.
4:34PM Have violent fantasies.
4:35PM Quell thoughts of violence with thoughts of Ghandhi, and Dido, the sensitive and literate Brit pop singer.
4:36PM Begin to sing Dido song out loud in shack.
4:37PM Stop singing as soon as car drives by.
4:40PM Look at watch.
4:41PM Turn on Indiglo function, even though it is still daylight.
4:52PM Fart.
4:52:02PM Leave shack to stroll outside.
5:05PM Wave to leaving workers.
5:07PM Refuse wave to executive type in big car.
5:40PM Close gate and lock up shack.
5:45PM Turn on NPR on car radio.
5:50PM Leave plant.
5:55PM Laugh on way home saying to self, "I can't believe her name is Cecila O'Nasty!! ::
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