:: November 29, 2004
Yet Another Magical Moment From the Masonic Retirement Home Where My Grandparents Are Spending Their Golden Years Doing Masony Things and Eating Delicious, Wholesome Cafeteria Food.
By J.R. Cope.
As I visited my with my grandfather, another man nearby, whom I did not know, turned in his wheelchair and feebly grabbed my arm. He had white, crazy hair, tufts of it came out of nose too, which was plugged with an oxygen tube. His eyes grew large and mysterious and he said, "I've been all over, The South Pole, The North Pole, Africa, South America. You name it. But this place is the best."
I leaned in. "What do you mean? This place here?"
"Oh, yes," he said. He grabbed my arm again, which was starting to annoy me, but what do you do? He's older than a pyramid. Let him grab your arm.
"I looked all over for a place to retire, but this was the best."
"Well, it is nice," I said, meaning it.
"What?"
You have to do this a lot when you come here. I leaned in and raised my voice a notch; all of the other retirees stared at me.
"I said, it IS NICE."
It is. They have a great view. The staff is nice. The place is sparkling clean all of the time. Masons, despite whatever evil which they have supposedly collaborated on, or whatever alien ships they secretly hold at undisclosed
locations, know how to run a retirement home. Plus, they help burned kids. Did the Nazis do that? I don't think so.
The old man nodded and said again, in case I didn't hear him the first time, "I've been to the North Pole, AND The South Pole. I've been all over."
He looked like it too. With his hair, I was starting to think he was Jack Frost on his pension.
"Why were you on the Poles?"
"I was an engineer," he said. "On the South Pole, you take a glass of water and throw it out the door. It's ice before it reaches the ground. 47 below."
"Wow."
"Yes. I was on the North Pole, too, but I like the South Pole better."
"Why's that?" I asked. Because, well, aren't you curious?
"The South Pole has better facilities."
"It's more developed?"
"Yes. It is more developed. Better facilities."
"Well, it was nice talking to you," I said.
"Yes. It was nice talking to you. You know, the best thing I have heard in Texas...You know what that is?"
Again, with the arm thing.
"What? What's that?" I asked him.
"If you don't love her, give her the bank account number. If you love her, give it to her backwards."
"Oh, that's funny. That's very...funny."
"Yes. I have been all over. The North Pole. The South Pole. And that's the funniest thing I've heard."
"Sure. Well, see you later."
"Oh, yes, sir. We will do that."
"All right, there." ::
:: November 18, 2004
TWO OF THE MOST FAMOUS EL CHICO REGULARS WHO DO NOT TIP SHIT AND ARE DULY LOATHED.
by J.R. Cope
1. The Milk Lady - Caucasian Female. Approx. 5'4".
Overweight. Glasses. Flat affect in voice. Wal-Mart shopper. Runs you ragged. Always orders Chocolate Milk for self, not her messy, cheese-throwing half-chimp off-spring who usually have Sprite, if it makes it to their mouths before it hits the table. Milk Lady hated venomously by entire waitstaff for her propensity to tip a dollar after endless bitching and her kids destroying table. Sometimes known to ask for the manager at the drop of a spoon. Expert level skills at the 50 cent "Grab a Toy" machine near front entrance. The bitch always gets her toy like Roy. Cold, calculating stare behind thick frames. Always will try to get free milk refill. Do not, repeat, do not, give it to her. Milk is not soda. Repeat: Milk is not a refill item. Milk Lady knows this, but Milk Lady is ruthless. She will attempt to play you. Beware.
2. The King - Caucasian Male. Approx 5'8".
Gold-frame sunglasses. Gold chains. Exposed chest hair. Large rings, including pinkie ring. Wears cape and carries cane. That is not a misprint. Dresses like Mother Fucking Elvis Presley to Eat At El Chico's Mother Fucking Restaurant. Usually brings his "Mama" in tow, along with a late-teens silent dweeb, possibly his son or little brother. Will comment on your service all night, along with his "Mama" chiming in in her trashy North Texas accent, about what you did wrong, what you did right. The King is known to say things such as "Jes Sloooow it down, Brother," in authentic Elvis-speak. Wish this were just joke for list, but this is real. I repeat, THIS GUY ACTUALLY EXISTS IN 3-D FLESH AND BONE. HE DRESSES LIKE ELVIS, BUT IS NO WHERE NEAR AS LIKABLE; IT IS ALSO WIDELY DOUBTED THAT HE ACTS, SINGS OR WOOS WOMEN. Always asks to talk to the manager by name to critique waiter, food, and service. Talks about Vegas and California a lot, using the phrases, "Man" and "Oh, Yeah, Man". When he leaves, he always asks to leave through the back. No kidding. Even if it is locked or barricaded by booster chairs. Hated so much by waitstaff, no one even says that he has left the building, much less announces it. It is not known why this man dresses like Elvis. Possibly, this uncertainty is for the best. Whatever you do, do not refer to the fact that he is dressed like Elvis Presley, the famed singer, in any way shape or form, or he will literally lash out at you, possibly with a flying-death-crane karate chop. ::
:: November 2, 2004
This election day, I am thinking of a genius King of the Hill Episode from four years ago, "The Perils of Polling," in which Hank becomes disillusioned (to the point of existential crisis) with George W. Bush because of the presidential candiate's weak handshake. So on election day, instead of voting, Dale Gribble and Hank take off for a day of shopping at the outlet mall, and Dale attempts to assure Hank's subversion by driving into Mexico. There are also subplots involving Bobby saving a diving pig from drowning, the futility of fringe candidates, Luann's flirtation with the Communist Party, and Peggy running a polling place from the Hill's garage. Here are quotes from the episode.
But this is interesting: the episode is not listed on the offical Fox.com KoTH site. It was "get out the vote" special aired outside of the regular season, as far as I can tell, but still numbered as part of Season 5. Could Fox be trying to erase this episode from history? ::
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